Goodbye to all that

So the Christmas holiday is finally over, and what a relief it is. It's a rainy morning in Chico, just pouring down. I'm sitting at Moxie's cafe, which used to be Cafe Siena, which used to be my home-away-from-home in high school. God, I've spent a lot of time in this room (think exposed brick walls, lots of tables, rotating art, front windows that face a busy downtown street).

Strange how being here has brought back all sorts of memories, some good, some bad, but mostly things I haven't thought about in a decade.

Christmas Eve

I'm in the middle of a neverending Christmas celebration. Here it is only Christmas Eve, and I feel like I've pretty much exhausted this holiday. On Friday night, Gina and I had dinner and presents at my Dad's house; then Saturday here at my Mom's, more presents and dinner, as Gina has to go today to do Christmas with her fiance's familiy. Finally, on Monday, I'll have dinner again at my Grandmother's.

A fresh perspective

I have finally managed to find a cafe in Chico with wi-fi, so I'm no longer beholden to my parents' dial-up.

The weather has been cold and clear, and my anxieties have been wiped away. Getting out of town has been good. I feel less crazy than I have in weeks.

Still no strong showing of Christmas spirit, but we did decorate the Traditional Holiday Ficus, and strung lights around the windows. And there's been some gift shopping, with my mom, and seasonal frut, mandarin oranges and tiny braeburn apples, and visiting with my grandmother.

It's been a long season

For the past six weeks or so, I've been insane. Like truly, chemically imbalanced insane. Crying all the time. Panicking about ridiculous things, like, whether or not we'll paint our bedroom in January. Unable to decide what to have for dinner without extended hand-wringing.

I have undone all boundaries or barriers; I am permeable. I've lost track of where I end and other people, especially Adam, begin. He says I've been alternately controlling and helpless, both bossy and needy, which sounds about right. So now he's gone to Maine for two weeks, and I have a chance to relearn what is me, and what isn't me.

Scottie writes a lot about the solstice, and how the winter solstice is the darkest time of the year. It's been a long winter, and it's hardly ever light out anymore.

Bah, Humbug!

Maybe I just don't get it, but I am not feeling the holiday spirit this year. The music is mostly dreadful; the forced cheeriness is terrible; the food is making me fat; the weather is making me sad. But most of all, it is the shopping for useless crap for people I don't particularly like (office party, anyone?) makes my skin crawl.

So I am putting the world on notice: I'm through. I'm not buying anyone else a present just because I'm supposed to. I will be handing out handicrafts and homemade art projects. I will occasionally buy something the recipient will actually like. But that's it. No more consuming just to be consuming. And, if I can help it, I don't want to set foot in a mall.

Let this is be a non-proliferation treaty.

today's crazy headline

How embarrassing would that be.